Vancouver’s ‘No-Fun City’ reputation goes hand in hand with what many locals and newcomers have been whining about for years: that it’s nearly impossible to meet people in this town. Indeed, the ice queens and kings of the Pacific Northwest are a mystifying force to be reckoned with, what with their tightly packed groups of friends with not a space to spare, their stoic poker faces, and their homebody habits that only become stronger as they age. But 29-year-old Devon Ash contends that long-held notions of Vancouver as a social dead zone are hardly indigenous to this city. He says people feel that way all over the world.
“I’m not sure if [Vancouver’s] any different than any other city. I think it’s any time you’re in a city for long enough, we have a tendency to put our eyes on the ground... and we just kind of get into our routines in life,” Ash says. “Every city I visit, the guys are saying the same thing, which is it’s so hard to meet women in this city! But I think we’ve started to make it hard to meet women, period.”
In other words, don’t hate the players, hate the game. And turning it around in your favour starts with gradual personal changes — giving yourself more opportunities to meet people, learning to act more assertively, becoming more aware of your needs — that will plant you firmly on the road to mate-dom. So says Ash and his colleagues at Social Fluency, a Vancouver-based social coaching company they founded with the aim of helping hetero men and women improve their social skills, thereby upping their chances of playing their cards right when faced with, say, an astonishingly attractive person with whom you could spend the rest of your life.
Ash and his colleagues, Zach Browman, 34, and Nadeem Kassam, 29, started working on Social Fluency full-time in 2008, after a few years spent working on it as a side project to other jobs. The three handle all business aspects of the company, including leading what they call ‘Social Mastery’ workshops that they advertise on Facebook, Craigslist, and in local singles meet-up circles. Most workshops consist of a $1,500 four-week course that includes working in a classroom environment to learn about social skills and tools, as well as personalized ‘in-field’ training where instructors coach students in real-life situations. The results, they say, are transformative — not just for landing more dates, but for improved social skills in general.
“I think a lot of people feel like their problem is that they’re not meeting the right person,” says Bowman. “Although we need to meet people that we’re compatible with, you really also have to have the skills and abilities to attract them and to communicate well once you’re in the relationship.”
Common mistakes, Bowman says, include acting out pop-culture clichés in an attempt to navigate the more nuanced terrain of real life. (Note: Holding a boombox over your head that plays her favourite song while standing outside her bedroom window is romantic in theory, creepy in practice.) “The concept of how to attract a partner that’s put forth in movies and on TV just leads people in the wrong direction, which is typically equating love with neediness, that convincing them of your need for them will make them attracted to you,” he says. “In the real world, that just doesn’t work.”
What works, Bowman says, has far less to do with physical attraction than one might think. “The attraction part is actually about 10 per cent of what we’re teaching,” he says. “Really, we are teaching social skills, because if you want to be attracting a partner, it’s not one isolated part of your life that you need to work on. You need to work on your whole self, in a sense.”
And as meeting people gets easier, so too will be finding a mate. “Our mandate is not necessarily to get you more dates,” says Ash of his company. “It’s to open your social life up, and, through doing that, you naturally start bringing good people into your life.”
June 25 2009
Jackie Wong
Source: vancouver.com
We may not be reinventing the wheel anytime soon, but we've yet to grow tired of revamping the “how to’s” of the dating world. There may be hope for those aspiring Casanovas out there, as dating experts prove money can buy you love (or at the very least a first date!). Perhaps a sign of our busy, harried times, the phenomemon of dating coaches for men has been on the rise in Vancouver lately, grabbing the attention of casual daters and soul-mate seekers alike. Cynical singles can attest - the trials and tribulations of finding a match made in Vancouver can be a daunting task at best, so maybe we need more than a little help from our friends after all.
In an effort to better understand why the use of a dating coach is gaining popularity and changing the dating landscape in Vancouver, I caught up with dating expert Zach Browman. Browman is the brains behind Social Fluency, a Vancouver-based company specializing in attraction coaching for men. At the age of 33, Browman now recalls a time when he felt it necessary to re-evaluate his approach with women, following a long streak of bad luck with the ladies. He began a quest of self improvement which ultimately brought him to Boston, where he trained with an industry expert who later asked Browman to run coaching workshops in L.A., San Francisco, and New York City.
When asked why he eventually left the company to develop his own business, Browman explained, "There are a few companies out there, but they are more focused on the manipulative side and seduction. We focus on creating attraction, which is about becoming the kind of man women find attractive." And so it seems, Social Fluency aims to teach attraction as a skill, one that will yield positive results for the clueless men in search of love.
Typically, once you've taken the first step in contacting a coaching service, you'll have a free consultation at which you will be assessed and given a program recommendation. Often times coaching will entail role playing exercises mixed with practical hands-on field practice. You may prefer pay-per-hour telephone advice or a full day of private coaching, ringing in upwards of $2000.
Although some may feel sceptical when it comes to breaking love and courtship down to a simple science, Browman’s approach is a pleasant surprise: dating advice with integrity something rarely found in the up-and-coming “business of love.”
The hopeless romantic may long for the day when love had no rules and regulations. After all, there is something endearing about the sheer innocence and authenticity of an unplanned first encounter, however awkward. Imagine a city where men are sparking up conversations at every opportunity, all with the same canned routine - the women of Vancouver may grow tired and move back east! Until then, find comfort in knowing that Mr. Wonderful is out there, he's just busy in a coaching session at the moment.
Oct. 10, 2007
Alana Berg